Tired and ugly

February 20, 2013

These days I feel like I'm struggling.

I'm at the end of myself, tired and weary, the telling over and over again wears me out. I'm trying the sticker chart...again. We are also focusing on a fruit of the spirit each month. This month is self-control.

The plan is to continue this more than a week or two. I'm the one who is at fault. I'm terrible with follow through in this area. I know it and I admit it. The plan is to consistently have family devotions. I put them on the daily list. We will do them and not skip them no matter how tired I am because its on the list. My boys are old enough now to do weekly house cleaning chores, so they are on the list.

But its a battle I am in. This tired momma who sometimes gets so overwhelmed she doesn't know what direction to go in. Instead she stands still and wants to cry, but the tears don't usually come. She escapes to the bathroom hoping to grab a moment of silence. Rowdy and loud little boys who just want to play. Run and play and run and pretend they are super heroes or Luke Skywalker defeating the enemy and saving the world.

Oh, I wish I had at least a smidgen of their energy because all this momma wants is quiet and to rest her head. Some days it feels so constant, all the demands and meeting their needs.

I don't think I'm complaining really. I'm just tired and I feel ugly. Ugly inside because I let the weariness sink into the crevices of my body and soul and it makes me feel ugly. Losing patience and feeling annoyed and I just want to escape to my bed where only if I could take a trip to dreamland! Ah, maybe I would float on the clouds or lie on a sandy beach with the warm sun drying out the weariness.

Instead, as I look up from my own self pity I see myself in the bathroom mirror. I look twice because I think I caught a glimpse of me. The me as He made me in His own image. I ask Him to help me and he reminds me of Matthew 11:28-30.
He is calling, "Beloved, come here, come to me. Rest in Me. Rest here in My presence." And I climb up into His lap as He puts His loving arms around me and I rest.

In His Presence.

I will rest.

I tuck the little ones into bed and kiss them good night. I'm thankful for the quiet, to just sit still and stare at their beautiful sleeping faces.

I thank God for these rowdy and noisy gifts and I ask Him to help me be more like Him.  To be gentle and humble at heart so what flows from within me are only kind words of love and affection to all those around me.

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